You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
