Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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