Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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