My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
