my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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