we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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