My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
