grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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