had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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