went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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