Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
