My sheets look like a crime scene.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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