I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
