perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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