dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
