he laminated a picture of his dick.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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