Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize