I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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