If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
