First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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