i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pooping to opera.
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