i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
