I wish my penis had an off switch
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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