Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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