That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
