I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
