I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
