Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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