she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Vodka?
Forever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
