I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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