Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
