shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
