How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
