Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
