i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
