Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
