I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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