Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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