the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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