I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
