i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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