WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
