he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
