i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
