I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.