So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕