Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
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I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
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Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!