Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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