proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
