Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
