Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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