Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
