This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
