I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just want to make out with him forever
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
