when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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