I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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