You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
