Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
