I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
